Just keep BRAINS!

Cemetary-Travels and the life of a german Darkling.

Category: writing

18 years without you.

Hey there, dad!

Today is a very personal post, the usual greeting would not feel right and had to be replaced for one post. Feel free to skip this post if you get triggered easily by reading about family, mental health, depression, suicide, losing people you love.

18 years ago I lost one of the biggest influences, role model in so many ways. 18 years ago my father did his third suicide attempt. His final, successful one. First one was when I just started school, hitting a tree with a car, second was cutting his wrists artery, third one was like the first one but obviously hit harder when I just had turned 11 years old. People always say the pain will fade, to me it does not. Of course there are days when it does not hurt but no day will pass that I won’t think about him. He is with me, in a way, wherever I am and you will find me asking him for advice in moments of silence.

1606 18yearswithoutyou mourning family

Even if it would not be on my minds, being biologically related we have the same crooked pinky fingers, the same tiny jawbones and our faces look similar as well. And since he always was a huge role model, inspiration for me I often find myself showing a similar behaviour. Those tiny moments that make you smile, as they say a person is only really dead if noone remembers them anymore.

He was raised in a tiny city in the ruhr area, by a mother who was nice and loving but would fight for what she thought was right and an equally nice father. Let’s say they had clear male / female roles but both strong characters. His name was Fredi, born September, 13th. Virgo. A typical one. A person who could spend hours with his miniature railway, never be satisfied with the details of the houses or surroundings one could buy in stores, DIYing them himself instead. A person who would create garden patches in perfect 90° angles, who would call so many everyday things by their chemical names, who would be an intelligent and thoughtful mind, maybe sensitive, even though he would not show if something upset or hurt him. I wonder if that was one of the reasons he made his masters degree in chemistry or if that degree made him become the typical virgo, the hard working perfectionist I remember?

With that background I understand his tendency for depression, I understand why he did this to himself. He thought he was responsible for keeping the good financial situation of the family, having only a temporary contract at work, he probably was afraid of not being good enough in his own standards. The bosses assured him he would get a new contract after that one but for someone who has a tendency for depression this is something that those demons will stick to until they destroy you. Of course I wish this would not have happened, that somehow the therapies would have helped better, that he still would be here in person. Then again I never had to argue with him during my teenager days, did not hurt him by some puberty behaviour.

I also never saw my parents fight and according to my mom they only had one argument, maybe those moments when both had different opinions but they always found a solution without arguing. Probably what one would call the perfect relationship. He worked a lot, so the time we spent as family was rare but always filled with excitement, never boring. I wonder how he managed to be that full of energy, when there was a day off or some spare time in the afternoon we often went to amusement parks, worked in the garden, learned new things the entertaining way, played board games and talked.

So today being June, 15th it was 18 years ago, in 1998, that a policeman rang our doorbell a few minutes before I had to leave for school, my mom said nothing bad had happened but I am sure she knew what had happened and just sent me to school to be strong for telling me the bad news when I return home. She thought. I knew by the look on her face, by the look on the policeman’s face and by the horrible pain in my stomach that this was not true, that it had to be something really bad.

I often wonder what he would think about my behaviour, my life, my whatever or if he would have some advice to share. Wonder how he would be like today, in a world that has changed so much. He sometimes played Nintendo 64 with me, would he like online games or social media sites? I know he would like to teach me about photography, it was one thing he liked a lot. As you can immagine, there would be a million things I would like to ask him or things I would like to enjoy with him, places to show and all that. That early loss of my dad probably taught me a lot about life though. We have to show the people we love how much we care for them before it is too late. Give them that hugs that you would like to, ask them your questions, spend time together. Life is short and you never know how short it actually is before it is too late. Sure, if you are like me you believe in some kind of connection even after a loved one passed away but still it will never be the same again.

Those 18 years without you often were really painful but I am sure you are still with me, one way or another. See you again, one day. ❤

In case that you read through this entire article, there has been another soul-strip post a few months back: Goth and Depression?


The case of the missing bat glasses…

Hey there, Internet!

I think I sent you a warning so yes, here is a story for you, the case of the missing bat glasses

1603 bat shaped prescription glasses fledermausbrille gothic accessories

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away there was a magician bat who was able to make blind bats see again with his amazingly beautiful glasses. But since his magic cauldron is located a few days flight away from many cities in that kingdom, some bats will have to order and receive with the huge golden delivery dragons you might have heard of before. Those do charge nearly 12 thalers for taking something from one corner of the kingdom to the other. For that much of money though they promise they would arrive over night and the little something would be insured with up to 500 thalers. You never know with those evil creatures that lure in the shadows of the woodlands so that probably makes the 12 thalers worth it.

So a small bat that ordered a few of those magical glasses before asked the dragons to deliver one of her old pairs to the magician so he could do a touchup, to make them all shiny again. They were talking to each other with those modern crystal cubes, the small bat also wanted another pair because well, female bats need accessories that would go with different styles.

While talking about the new pair, about three weeks after the glasses should have arrived at the magicians laboratory the small bat asked about her old pair of glasses and the answer put her in shock pretty much, they never arrived. While panicking what might have happened to them that made them disappear for such a long time she tried to contact the crystal cube of the delivery dragons. Their reports said the glasses would have been delivered. The name on the papers was similar to the magicians, maybe the dragon who should have delivered the glasses was attacked and the package was stolen, maybe the robbers then signed with their bad handwriting trying to sign as the magician to not make it as obvious and to be able to flee? Maybe their bad handwriting was caused by them being blind bats as well and they needed the glasses? Whatever, the time when the report said it would have been delivered was during the magicians working hours. Neither he nor his helping bats ever saw the package so it definitely was missing.

The dragons did open a case, but the magician, brave as he was, as well went looking through the woodlands, after searching for hours he found a cabin of someone who actually had a name, similar to his own, written next to the entrance. He rang the door, the person inside then handed the magician the package with the glasses, opened. Of course opened, his name was written next to the magicians name in the receipient corner of the package. He also ate one of the misfortune cookies because he at first thought it was a secret santa package (in the cold month of February… sometimes the delivery dragons are really late…) The small bat sent two of those cookies to the magician along with the glasses, not to hurt him, thats what bats do in this kindgom, sending tiny, funny things with packages. The misfortune cookie probably gave the stranger some stomach pain so he would not dare to go out into the woodlands by himself, looking for the magicians laboratory, noone would if he was injured, I told you in the beginning of the evil creatures hiding in there.

Anyways, the magician flew back to the labs, told the small bat that he found the parcel and what happened. Obviously the delivery dragon did not find the magicians laboratory or was too lazy or too scared to go there so he tried to copy the bats writing style and wrote down another name so the other person in the woodlands would take the parcel. The glasses were not broken, only the packaging was opened and one of the misfortune cookies had been opened / eaten.

So while the bat made another angry call to the delivery dragons (and well, their crystal cube charges quite some thalers if you call them!) the magician started working on the new and the old glasses. In the end the dragons were really sorry and would take a closer look at the dragon who did this, as well as paying back money to the small bat, the money would arrive within three weeks as well, with the slower but obviously much more reliable travelling money goblins. When looking at the time the package took to arrive at its destination it still could be considered express money delivery.

The old, repaired pair and the new glasses arrived within a day of delivery at the small bats cave though, she is very happy with both of them! The small bat, like so many others before, stayed addicted to those glasses (happily) ever after…

1603 batmagician drawing comic art fledermausbrille

Do you also have a pair of those magic glasses? If not you might want to travel to this years Wave Gotik Treffen, the magician bat (Fledermausbrille) will be there!

And when you are interested in reviews of my glasses by Fledermausbrille, take a look here or here! Have a nice evening!



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