Just keep BRAINS!

Cemetary-Travels and the life of a german Darkling.

Category: memory

18 years without you.

Hey there, dad!

Today is a very personal post, the usual greeting would not feel right and had to be replaced for one post. Feel free to skip this post if you get triggered easily by reading about family, mental health, depression, suicide, losing people you love.

18 years ago I lost one of the biggest influences, role model in so many ways. 18 years ago my father did his third suicide attempt. His final, successful one. First one was when I just started school, hitting a tree with a car, second was cutting his wrists artery, third one was like the first one but obviously hit harder when I just had turned 11 years old. People always say the pain will fade, to me it does not. Of course there are days when it does not hurt but no day will pass that I won’t think about him. He is with me, in a way, wherever I am and you will find me asking him for advice in moments of silence.

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Even if it would not be on my minds, being biologically related we have the same crooked pinky fingers, the same tiny jawbones and our faces look similar as well. And since he always was a huge role model, inspiration for me I often find myself showing a similar behaviour. Those tiny moments that make you smile, as they say a person is only really dead if noone remembers them anymore.

He was raised in a tiny city in the ruhr area, by a mother who was nice and loving but would fight for what she thought was right and an equally nice father. Let’s say they had clear male / female roles but both strong characters. His name was Fredi, born September, 13th. Virgo. A typical one. A person who could spend hours with his miniature railway, never be satisfied with the details of the houses or surroundings one could buy in stores, DIYing them himself instead. A person who would create garden patches in perfect 90° angles, who would call so many everyday things by their chemical names, who would be an intelligent and thoughtful mind, maybe sensitive, even though he would not show if something upset or hurt him. I wonder if that was one of the reasons he made his masters degree in chemistry or if that degree made him become the typical virgo, the hard working perfectionist I remember?

With that background I understand his tendency for depression, I understand why he did this to himself. He thought he was responsible for keeping the good financial situation of the family, having only a temporary contract at work, he probably was afraid of not being good enough in his own standards. The bosses assured him he would get a new contract after that one but for someone who has a tendency for depression this is something that those demons will stick to until they destroy you. Of course I wish this would not have happened, that somehow the therapies would have helped better, that he still would be here in person. Then again I never had to argue with him during my teenager days, did not hurt him by some puberty behaviour.

I also never saw my parents fight and according to my mom they only had one argument, maybe those moments when both had different opinions but they always found a solution without arguing. Probably what one would call the perfect relationship. He worked a lot, so the time we spent as family was rare but always filled with excitement, never boring. I wonder how he managed to be that full of energy, when there was a day off or some spare time in the afternoon we often went to amusement parks, worked in the garden, learned new things the entertaining way, played board games and talked.

So today being June, 15th it was 18 years ago, in 1998, that a policeman rang our doorbell a few minutes before I had to leave for school, my mom said nothing bad had happened but I am sure she knew what had happened and just sent me to school to be strong for telling me the bad news when I return home. She thought. I knew by the look on her face, by the look on the policeman’s face and by the horrible pain in my stomach that this was not true, that it had to be something really bad.

I often wonder what he would think about my behaviour, my life, my whatever or if he would have some advice to share. Wonder how he would be like today, in a world that has changed so much. He sometimes played Nintendo 64 with me, would he like online games or social media sites? I know he would like to teach me about photography, it was one thing he liked a lot. As you can immagine, there would be a million things I would like to ask him or things I would like to enjoy with him, places to show and all that. That early loss of my dad probably taught me a lot about life though. We have to show the people we love how much we care for them before it is too late. Give them that hugs that you would like to, ask them your questions, spend time together. Life is short and you never know how short it actually is before it is too late. Sure, if you are like me you believe in some kind of connection even after a loved one passed away but still it will never be the same again.

Those 18 years without you often were really painful but I am sure you are still with me, one way or another. See you again, one day. ❤

In case that you read through this entire article, there has been another soul-strip post a few months back: Goth and Depression?


Random 15-11

Hey there, Internet!

Monthly Post of Random Pictures / Thoughts & Questions / Links and other things that happened during the past month and would not fit into another post…

1511 germany brunswick braunschweig lastdaysofautumn fall golgenleaves river 1511 gothselfie ikea ra plushie 1511 ceramic pumpkin silver white green goth decor

Maybe these thoughts / questions would be useful as inspiration or someone knows the answer? (If none of these, hopefully at least they would be entertaining.)

* Why do people always have to be jealous in their relationships? Seriously, I adore beautiful people, taking pics if they agree (Asking before). I don’t care for your relationship status, it is for a picture, not for the night. When I ask your partner for a picture without knowing you are a couple, simply tell me you don’t want that picture to be taken or that you only accept when both of you are in it, I can’t see what is on your mind and starting some kind of drama will not feel good for any of us…
* Weighted my daily Jewelry for fun this month, was a bit confused to see it is an average of 1kg each day!
* Cutest thing this month: Right after I had my appointment at Fledermausbrille in Düsseldorf – a girl, maybe at the age of 5, proudly wearing a neon pink fluffy jacket & huge fancy shades ran towards me, her parents politely asked if they could take a picture of us together. Made my day, I hope this little lady will make her way, and that her parents will always support her. Also: thank you for that reminder of always staying true to yourself, maybe we will meet again one day!
* It seems the old lady who sneaks into my flat every night and adds dirty streams to my glasses also has a grandchild that adds random things to my shopping cart when I am hungry while shopping for food.
* Having problems with my WordPress switching to German, seems not even WordPress support is able to fix that.
* The Cure will be on a Germany tour in October / November 2016 (I am so nervous right now because I don’t know when exactly my holidays will be so I will have to wait a bit until I can buy my ticket. Update: bought a ticket for Köln / – Cologne for November, 10th hoping I can get that day off)
* When someone draws a heart on my car’s hood is it because they adore my car or because it is still covered in autumn-dirt?
* Can’t believe we already are facing the last month of 2015, even though I really am happy about that, even though blogging added so much positive things, ‘real life’ brought a lot of bad news & moments, let’s see if December is able to write a happy end!

And here are my most favourite / inspiring posts from other blogs / websites this month:

* Thanks to Sylvie / Little Corp Goth Girl, her Product Review on the Kreepsville 666 devil horn hairclips convinced me to spend some money! If you are looking for bat family stories as well as cute goth outfits and Pop-figure-addict posts, you should head over to her blog!
* Laura shared a lovely short story, Ink on her blog Roses and Vellum. (Oh, and look, she got a new family member this November as well! Hello, Little Miss Sarah!)
* I have to admitt the early-winter pictures Jade posted of her hometown Picturesque city of Tampere actually do show winter can be nice!

Most played songs this month: (sorry for them mainly being german this time…)

* Teufel – Absinth
* The Crüxshadows – Halo
* Mantus – Tanz mit mir
* Lacrimosa – Kaleidoskop (from new Album ‘Hoffnung’)
* ASP – Duett (Das Minnelied der Incubi)

What was inspiring for you this November? Have a nice evening!

M’era Luna Festival 2015!

Hey there, Internet!

Last weekend was the third and probably last festival weekend for me this year. M’era Luna was not planned but would you miss out on a festival that is only ~45 minutes away from your front door knowing how much you loved it each time you went? M’era Luna this year announced an amazing lineup and on top I still was craving for some medieval food and fire show that I was missing so much at Amphi. (Not saying Amphi was bad but as I said in that blog post there were a few things missing that I simply love on the ‘darker festivals’)

meraluna 2015 festival mutzbraten medieval food2015 meraluna festival gothic germany hildesheim wristband bandchen ticketmeraluna 2015 gothic festival germany decoration death night

(Mutzbraten – when there is a medieval fair around this is a must buy, this years Wristband & Ticket, Grim Reaper Pond Decoration)

Friday I went up at the time that I usually would go to bed to do some last minute organization, packing and drive to Alex and Steffi. We did some talking and joking and then headed to Hildesheim. We arrived at the festival location (Drispenstedt Airfield) very early when they didn’t even open the closer parking areas so we ended up with our cars on some dusty field with the other early bats. The camping ground also was still closed so we grabbed only a few bags with our tents, chairs and food and waited. While waiting the M’era atmosphere already was present. Strangers started talking, sharing food and drinks, enjoying the time. Then we were allowed to enter the camping ground and found a nice spot close to the fence of the medieval fair with the mainstage peaking over it as well. Set up our tents, waited for the other people who would join us camping – one of them I was so happy to see again since the last time we met was during our apprenticeship 5 years ago in Frankfurt. After everything was set up and a bit more talking and cuddling we went to the medieval fair for some Met & food and afterwards took a stroll around the beautifully decorated shopping and festival area. No Hangar party / dancing this night for us though.

2015 meraluna gothic festival germany ostfrontmeraluna 2015 gothic festival band deathstars2015 meraluna gothic festival germany hildesheim rob zombie

(Ostfront, Deathstars, Rob Zombie)

Saturday started with some rain. I was afraid the weather might get as horrible as it was for Amphi but then the sun joined the fun and everyone was happily applying their sunscreen and grabbing fans and some icecream or cold drinks. One of the first things I did that day as soon as I was ready was heading to the fashion town tent to hand my glasses to the guys from Fledermausbrille for some deep cleaning and replacing the gummi plates (and drooling over the glasses they brought with them!) then grabbed some new perfume at Perfume Noire and took a look at the stage. The first band that I actually got to see this festival was Ostfront, I was able to see them at M’era Luna in 2011 already and they improved a lot! I was simply excited waiting for one of the next bands though because I still remember the awesome show of Deathstars at the Rockharz festival back in 2012 and for sure this weekend’s gig was a blast and I am really hoping they will come to a show on their own to Germany in the future! When the Deathstars show was over I went to get my glasses back and met some more friends, talking happened so I did not see a lot of the next few shows that day and also missed to take a look at the Hangar (indoor) stage, then again we were able to see what happened inside on a huge screen right in front of it. While I was standing there, talking some guy came up to me, complimenting my hair and gave me a balloon, no matter if drunk or not and whatever really was the reason for it it sure made me smile, thank you! We went back into the black crowd in front of the stage to see Rob Zombie though. It was an amazing show with some tiny mosh pits in the audience and everyone seemed to enjoy the time. Saturday’s headliner was ASP, who has a gig at M’era Luna and other german festivals quite often, some might say it’s been too often but I enjoy seeing them those 1-2 times a year! We got what we expected, some slower, emotional songs, some fast ones with fire on stage and everyone was singing and screaming enjoying the gig till the very last minute. Then the night ended in a bit of dancing at the Hangar disco until the feet finally collapsed.

2015 meraluna gothic festival asp2015 meraluna festival germany hildesheim gothic camping weather nature2015 meraluna festival baloon

(ASP, Camping ground on Saturday morning, balloon you seem to get when people like your hair – thanks to whoever that person was!)

Sunday I woke up, looked around, found the bag I got at Perfume Noire, was happy when I saw that along with some flyers there was a tiny perfume bottle as gift for their 15 years anniversary and a CD (Cradle of Spoil, Die Macht des Schweigens, a CD from 2003 which makes me a bit confused why it was added to my shopping bag in 2015? Or if they did not put it in who did it?) in it. If you don’t know them yet, give them a listen, they are amazing and I have no idea how I managed to not have heard of them before! Again breakfast at the medieval market, even though I usually am not that much of a meat-y person, a Mutzbraten will be bought when there is a medieval fair around. Because of the hot weather most time of Sunday people went from one icecream vendor to the next (or drinks) so the first full show that I got to see was Joachim Witt, remember the very first blogpost after my absence? For everyone who read that back then knows that he is one of the first musicians that I’ve ever enjoyed listening to and probably always will. It was as perfect as expected and went by too fast. The only song I was missing was the new one he did with Mono Inc but not complaining here. Maybe they did it during the Mono Inc show afterwards but I’ve only seen half of it because of some more strolling around the medieval fair where some gleemen entertained the people who sat in front of the empty medieval stage. To me those markets are just the perfect thing to go to when in need of some relaxing moments with all the things happening besides the different small stands – they had a blacksmith with them, a place where you could marry for the time of festival, a wooden bath tub, arrow shooting spot and a lot more. Before the headliner of that night (Nightwish) Einstürzende Neubauten had their 60 minutes show, it was simple, without all the effects people usually would use on stage, but impressive nonetheless. I then realized that a lot of the bands that I saw this year have been around for ages but still have the same energy and skills in entertaining their audience as the younger artists do, happy to see that! During Nightwish we once again ran into It’s black friday, hoping she can make her way to a lot of the German festivals next year, too!

Oh and dear M’era Luna team, it would be nice to see Unterschicht perform next year instead of them only be around as visitors ❤

2015 meraluna gothic festival germany joachim witt2015 meraluna germany hildesheim gothic festival cradle of spoil band gift perfume noire2015 meraluna gothic festival germany einstürzende neubauten

(Joachim Witt, Cradle of Spoil Booklet, Einstürzende Neubauten)

In the end I have to say that M’era Luna will always make me as excited as WGT does and should be on every darklings Bucketlist. As mentioned in the beginning you will meet so many awesome people within the first minutes already and even if some bad news come up someone will be able to bring back a big smile on your face. Be prepared for hot weather at daytimes but also bring an extra jacket or blanket for the nights. They will have a band you will love for sure, no matter if you prefer medieval, melodic, electronic or rock goth genres (and they already announced a few of next years acts). You will be able to find new treasures for your home or wardrobe but it also is possible to stay on a budged if needed. Also what better thing could exist than falling out of your tent and already hear the music and smell the amazing medieval food? For sure I can’t wait for next August to go there again! Also hoping to be able to meet up with some of the people I got to know this time before then to get to know everyone better and share some memories in times of festival blues!

Have you been to M’era Luna yet or are planning to go? Are there any other festivals you can recommend? Have a nice evening!

Amphi Festival 2015

Hey there, Internet!

Obviously I returned from Amphi Festival, more or less alive. I am sorry for using the words ‘rain, storm,…’ so often in this post but goodness, it was a horrible weather-weekend. I also am sorry for only having iPhone pictures of this festival – And this means a worse quality for sure, I did not know that cameras like my Canon would be allowed to be used by everyone and so I went without it, the smaller camera refused to work, too. This year was the first year of Amphi Festival being located at Lanxess Arena Köln / Cologne. The new place of event includes a big indoor stage (Arena Stage) and two smaller outdoor stages (Green & Orbit), food, clothing and other booths were inside the arena, in a building next to it and on the outer areas as well.

2015 festival amphi wristbands2015 festival amphi eod warmup unterschicht2015 festival amphi ticket

On Friday I went to my car around 10am and arrived at the official camping ground at 5pm, since everyone else stayed at home or in a hotel I was happy to meet two nice girls while unpacking and we put our tents next to each other. Then I tried to fix my makeup and hair (hair actually happened during some kind of traffic jam already) and went out for the night. I know there was an official pre-party on a ship but I still preferred to go to Essigfabrik. That night they had an Empire of Darkness / Dark Genesis Party., nice location, nice lineup (Unterschicht -already seen them at WGT but was awesome seeing them again!-, Accessory, Phosgore, Haujobb and Frozen Plasma), a warmup party that probably was as good as the official one, then it started raining. Knowing my luck with tram and other vehicles I still decided to walk back to the tent and probably fell asleep within a second after taking off my corset and boots. On a sidenote: next time be prepared to look for tram, walking 1 hour to get there and 1 hour to get back to the tent is not the best thing to do.

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Saturday in a word or two: Rain, Storm, Chaos. It was already raining when the camping ground awoke and the forecast said it would continue throughout the day so simply waited until there was a moment of less rain and started walking to the festival area. When arriving they already told us to hide inside the areana because there was an official storm warning which caused us having to stay inside all day, confused and in a quite overcrowded place. Of course it took a while until the Amphi-team decided what to do, the open air stages got no permission to be opened so there were some changes in the running order. In the end we went to the arena stage which was the only thing available and sat down. Sometimes they would tell us about new changes via facebook, email, handouts or on stage. Anyways, some really nice gigs happened that day, I definitely enjoyed those of The Birthday Massacre and The Crüxshadows who both had the used-to energy, bouncing around, interacting with the audience even though Rogue would not be able to climb around the stage because of missing bars so he only went off the stage to the audience sometimes. Goethes Erben were amazing as well and I can oly recommend seeing a show by them if given the opportunity, especially if you understand German, they for sure have inspiring texts. And One as headliner for the day definitely were a great choice, too and Steve Naghavi made everyone scream when he said he would have bought the festival and would return it to the Tanzbrunnen next year, probably only was a joke but it looked like everyone would agree! Back at the camping ground there was some more music, talking and laughing and when I set my alarm for 7 I realized it would only be 2 hours of sleep and probably end painful, but I guess it also means that despite the rain it was a fun day / night!

Sunday was what waking up festival camping should be like, it already was hot at 7am, making it impossible to sleep in the tent much longer. So I stood up, got ready, had a beer while charging my phone and then went on to the arena again. This time we were allowed to stay outside, browsing the stores and enjoying the open air stages that also slowly went alive. Meanwhile on the arena stage Dr. Mark Benecke and der Tod (death, comedian) presented the concerts. I have to admitt I really did not see a lot before Das Ich, simply was too excited to see them perform again so I had to run around a bit before. And seriously, this was amazing. When I compared the ’13 WGT gig to those before ‘that bad thing happened’ I was impressed that Stefan Ackermann was again able to interact with the audience this much and how much energy he must have put into his performance. Now this Amphi gig again was perfect, instead of standing there he was running around, not just on stage but also right in front of the audience, letting us join the songs. I’m sure if someone would have taken a picture of me in one of those moment’s I would be in it staring with the most stupid expression on my face but this was simply breathtaking so excuse my lack of self control. Afterwards I actually followed friends I ran into and saw a bit of this and that before I went to the greenstage for Diary of Dreams, a lot of stage smoke was used which looked amazing at dusk, but they also did a great show music wise so the audience did not care for the upcoming rain. In the end everyone went to see VNV Nations amazing headlining show, or maybe it would be better to say ‘tried to go to’ because after a while the security people closed the doors and refused to let anyone in, pushing people back, shouting. There still would have been empty seats so I am sorry this is not a thing to do. Sometime earlier that day I once again ran into ‘It’s black friday‘ and since the picture from WGT looked quite strange due to the lightning I was happy to get another one, also thanks again to Olli (Flickr) for taking the picture!

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In the end I still think the medieval fair you can find at a lot of dark-alternative festivals is missing (Goth music, the smell of fire and medieval food,…) and it really took a bit of that festival-atmosphere that the lights in the arena hall stayed off between the different bands. Might sound like something strange to complain about but there actually were quite a lot of people complaining about this as well, it was concert-like, no festival atmosphere. The security people were horrible, not saying too much here because I prefer to focus on good things but shouting names at people or pushing them without any action from said visitors at first is not a thing to do. Then again the amphi team did a great job when they were not allowed to open the open air stages, they had to act as fast as possible and managed to only have had to cancel a few acts, posting everything on facebook, via email and on handouts as soon as it was clear what would happen next even when it was just a few moments before it actually would happen. And as always it was amazing to meet so many old and new friends, wondering when we will meet again!

Have you been to Amphi yet? Which location was your favourite and what did you think of this year? Have a nice evening!

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