Just keep BRAINS!

Cemetary-Travels and the life of a german Darkling.

Month: June, 2016

18 years without you.

Hey there, dad!

Today is a very personal post, the usual greeting would not feel right and had to be replaced for one post. Feel free to skip this post if you get triggered easily by reading about family, mental health, depression, suicide, losing people you love.

18 years ago I lost one of the biggest influences, role model in so many ways. 18 years ago my father did his third suicide attempt. His final, successful one. First one was when I just started school, hitting a tree with a car, second was cutting his wrists artery, third one was like the first one but obviously hit harder when I just had turned 11 years old. People always say the pain will fade, to me it does not. Of course there are days when it does not hurt but no day will pass that I won’t think about him. He is with me, in a way, wherever I am and you will find me asking him for advice in moments of silence.

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Even if it would not be on my minds, being biologically related we have the same crooked pinky fingers, the same tiny jawbones and our faces look similar as well. And since he always was a huge role model, inspiration for me I often find myself showing a similar behaviour. Those tiny moments that make you smile, as they say a person is only really dead if noone remembers them anymore.

He was raised in a tiny city in the ruhr area, by a mother who was nice and loving but would fight for what she thought was right and an equally nice father. Let’s say they had clear male / female roles but both strong characters. His name was Fredi, born September, 13th. Virgo. A typical one. A person who could spend hours with his miniature railway, never be satisfied with the details of the houses or surroundings one could buy in stores, DIYing them himself instead. A person who would create garden patches in perfect 90° angles, who would call so many everyday things by their chemical names, who would be an intelligent and thoughtful mind, maybe sensitive, even though he would not show if something upset or hurt him. I wonder if that was one of the reasons he made his masters degree in chemistry or if that degree made him become the typical virgo, the hard working perfectionist I remember?

With that background I understand his tendency for depression, I understand why he did this to himself. He thought he was responsible for keeping the good financial situation of the family, having only a temporary contract at work, he probably was afraid of not being good enough in his own standards. The bosses assured him he would get a new contract after that one but for someone who has a tendency for depression this is something that those demons will stick to until they destroy you. Of course I wish this would not have happened, that somehow the therapies would have helped better, that he still would be here in person. Then again I never had to argue with him during my teenager days, did not hurt him by some puberty behaviour.

I also never saw my parents fight and according to my mom they only had one argument, maybe those moments when both had different opinions but they always found a solution without arguing. Probably what one would call the perfect relationship. He worked a lot, so the time we spent as family was rare but always filled with excitement, never boring. I wonder how he managed to be that full of energy, when there was a day off or some spare time in the afternoon we often went to amusement parks, worked in the garden, learned new things the entertaining way, played board games and talked.

So today being June, 15th it was 18 years ago, in 1998, that a policeman rang our doorbell a few minutes before I had to leave for school, my mom said nothing bad had happened but I am sure she knew what had happened and just sent me to school to be strong for telling me the bad news when I return home. She thought. I knew by the look on her face, by the look on the policeman’s face and by the horrible pain in my stomach that this was not true, that it had to be something really bad.

I often wonder what he would think about my behaviour, my life, my whatever or if he would have some advice to share. Wonder how he would be like today, in a world that has changed so much. He sometimes played Nintendo 64 with me, would he like online games or social media sites? I know he would like to teach me about photography, it was one thing he liked a lot. As you can immagine, there would be a million things I would like to ask him or things I would like to enjoy with him, places to show and all that. That early loss of my dad probably taught me a lot about life though. We have to show the people we love how much we care for them before it is too late. Give them that hugs that you would like to, ask them your questions, spend time together. Life is short and you never know how short it actually is before it is too late. Sure, if you are like me you believe in some kind of connection even after a loved one passed away but still it will never be the same again.

Those 18 years without you often were really painful but I am sure you are still with me, one way or another. See you again, one day. ❤

In case that you read through this entire article, there has been another soul-strip post a few months back: Goth and Depression?

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My Cave: Jewelry Storage!

Hey there, Internet!

My cave slowly is getting closer to being finished, furniture wise at least. Some spots definitely need some more orgenization before I can start with decorations and knicknacks. So you can find me browsing on Amazon quite often. One night I found this lovely bench that was meant to be some shoe rack, it was not even 30€ so probably nothing could go wrong. Placed my order for June, it arrived the next day already! Heavy as the description promised (14kgs!) the package was opened and within 30 minutes the rack bench thing was put together.

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In the end I noticed the center board is unvarnished on the frontside or maybe I turned it the wrong way when I set it up. I can always do it myself one day though. The bench has enough space to store all my jewelry stuff while still looking tidy – and after all the years there definitely is a lot to store. On top there is a soft, cushioned lid, that has some storage underneath, in front there are two open shelves

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So the things that need to be done in this place are replacing the plastic boxes and painting the unvarnished board front. But again, one thing is down the list and for very little money and it looks so much better than that simple pile of jewelry that I had before! And probably is going to save me a lot of time when getting ready. I am also really happy that I can display the box covered with spiderweb fabric that has been in our family for quite some time already.

How do you keep your Accessories and Jewelry stuff organized?

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A month of: Paul Mitchell hairdye

Hey there, Internet!

Please remember I am not a professional hair stylist, only sharing my own experiences here!

I could not stop experimenting with my hair (-color) ever… Been doing research on cruelty free but longer lasting hairdyes than the semi-permanent ones a lot and then nearly had to sell my soul to find a place where I can purchase those Paul Mitchell colors. Those usually are hairstylist only permanent  dyes but still I needed to try them. Been using professional hairdyes before so I thought it would only take a month or two until I understand how to get bright and long lasting results.

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The packaging! Shiny black for bonus points!

First dye:

The colors I first purchased were 7RO and 8C, a pack contains 90ml / 3fl. oz, both are coppery orange / reds, I mixed 1:1 with 30 VOL 9% processing cream (creme oxydante / developer, old one was empty so I took the Paul Mitchell version as well), no pre bleaching. The part of my hair that was ‘new’ took the color quite good, the pre bleached / dyed hair was good as well but definitely less intense. Those pre dyed parts also faded really fast, especially since I was not able to take good care of it through WGT. Still, as mentioned before with a new company of hairdye it sometimes takes a while until you know how to use them properly.

Second dye:

I bought a pack of Orange 34 intensifier to add to the colors, just to make the copper shine a bit brighter. Mixed all of the dyes 1:2 with the processing cream. This time the outcome was a lot better! The hairline was less visible, entire hair shiny copper orange!

1606 review amonthof paulmitchell crueltyfree hairdye thecolorxg dyesmart ondarkhair orange34 intensifier 7ro 8c 1606 ootd gothic orange copper hair sidecut tattoo paul mitchell dye review

Left: right after dyeing, a bit of hairline is visible. But remember, my hair is a very dark brown, nearly black with already a lot of silvery grey in between so this is some shades lighter for sure! probably would be less visible if I went with 12% developer or pre lighten the roots but I will stick to 9& because I know my hair can still grow long with that and I guess with a few more times dyeing it will be less visible as well… Right: This time it also looks nice after 3 washes have passed, nearly 2 weeks and still looking fresh! And sorry, right pic was stolen from latest outfit post.

Anyways, already excited for my third time dyeing but at this point I already am very happy with the color, looks a bit more natural but still shines bright so sticking to the mixture from second dyeing and the green dipdye / ombre will definitely stay as well ( sticking to my beloved Stargazer mixture here)

Any hair experiments lately? Have you tried Paul Mitchell stuff yet?

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Today’s Outfit & Makeup 16-06

Hey there, Internet!

Tonight was very different, met a friend and we both restarted our Pokémon (X/Y) games, kind of battling who would first make it through the game. We will probably do this twice a month now until the new version (Sun/Moon) will be available later this year! Even though I enjoy those cozy nights I think it would be about time to go out on a clubnight again very soon but then I rarely have weekends off.

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admitting, my neck feels quite empty without spiky stuff and heavy chains, even if it is summer…

 

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What I’m wearing

Skirt-shopping mood of the past months seems to continue but who could resist buying fluffy, semi seethrough stuff?

Leggings: Blackmilk (Wet Look Black) with ripped tights on top
Boots: Solovair
Corset: Heavy Red (Probably the only half bust corset I own)
Shirt: Heavy Red
Skirt: Bäres

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Makeup

Probably another decent eyedo, especially the liner, I usually like to go extreme here… Oh and the new Fledermausbrille temple stems in action!

Lips: Stargazer 129
Nails: Stargazer 129 (yes, both number 129)
Eyes: Alverde (First Class Volume Mascara), Illamasqua (Precision Gel Liner in Infinity on waterline, Sleek (Bad Girl Palette), Stargazer (Glitter Pencil in Black)
Etc: Illamasqua (Beyond Powder in OMG)

Anyone around who is as excited for the next Pokémon game, how do you prepare yourself? Have a nice evening!

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